Daily Living
Ants. A plague on them and their little formic acid-filled bodies! Especially after the sweet delights recently took up residence in Perry's towel and decided to stake their claim for ownership by biting every bit of his body that he put it on when getting out of the shower. There are just some parts of the body that a civilised chap should never have injected with ant venom. We've also learned that they love coffee even more than sugar. Having a bunch of biting, stinging ants whizzing around your kitchen, totally wired up on caffeine, is even more fun than normal. Message: wash up your cup and never, never spill any when you're filling the cafetiere in the morning. And shake your towel. Really hard.
Dogs are not your best friends - not here in Cambodia, anyway. There's one local rat-like beast that's taken to incessant high-pitched barking from long before dawn until everyone in the neighbourhood is well and truly awake. I've started to dream about drop-kicking its backside right across the Mekong to Vietnam to see what will happen once it's woken up a few of the dog-loving gourmets over there...
Never look up when riding your bike home after dark, unless you enjoy the sight of rats running along the telephone lines above your head. Never look up when entering your abode at night either. In this case, you're just better off not knowing what's above you.
This beauty was spotted by Sarah above our heads on the ceiling outside our front door when we got home one evening recently. It was the size of a large dinner plate. Fortunately, the soiree had been just convivial enough for us to summon up the courage to go past it (Sarah) / go past it without even noticing it (Perry). If you look at the picture close up, you'll see it was so big that it was actually wearing a head torch.
On the other hand, you need to get out of the city to find something really huge in your doorway: this chap from Kampot in the South was a good 2½ feet long. You have to eat a lot of bugs to get that big, but then he did have a nice mouthful of nasty sharp pointy teeth to help him eat just about anything he wanted. Not so much a lizard, then, more a wall monster. The really scary thing is that they sometimes fall: one evening a small one fell off our balcony ceiling, straight on to Perry, who was dozing in the hammock below. It landed right in his groin (to put it politely). Both participants were somewhat surprised by the encounter but survived unscathed. On balance, Perry's quite grateful it wasn't this one that fell on him just in that particular location. OK, so do look up from time to time.
We know that we've got a large tokay living in our roof as we hear it every evening, but we've never seen it. On the other hand, we've never seen Shelob again, so long live Geckzilla.
Never look down, either. Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night and finding loads of cockroaches running around on the floor is almost as bad as finding the same cockroaches dead on the bathroom floor in the morning. What did they die of?
Believe us, this is a small one!
Science & Technology
Ever wondered what happens when the dynamo on your bike goes underwater? We don't know how, but it keeps on working and produces some lovely effects as it lights up the rotting fruit and veg that are washing by as you ride past the market through the evening's flash flood. So what does that tell us? That, to paraphrase dear old Patrick Moore, physics is bunk. At least, here in Cambodia.
Sarah will miss riding her bike everywhere. Perry will miss riding his bike everywhere like a loony.
What you don't know can't hurt you. According to a recent government report, the air quality in Phnom Penh continues to improve: apparently, there is less woodsmoke and less sand in it. When asked about diesel particulates from the ever-increasing traffic, the government's response was "we don't measure that." A Japanese team did. They found that the level of diesel particulates was the highest they had ever measured. Anywhere. In which case, don't hold your breath for the government to start measuring it (because then they might come under pressure to do something about it, and we can't have that). On the other hand, do hold your breath when you're cycling through the traffic. Apparently, there is no phrase in Khmer for 'tune up.'
Just because you've got a car doesn't mean you have a clue how to drive it. Driving standards round here are sometimes rather like giving the car keys to a six year old and then sending him/her out into the street. And then giving them a bottle of whiskey in the evening to go with it.
Perry's personal favourite: a woman who just kept on going when coming out of a side road (absolutely standard, and looking first - or even at any point - is certainly not compulsory) and, when realising she was about to hit the two cyclists right in front of her (Perry and Adam), rather than putting her foot on the brake or doing anything with the steering wheel, put her hands over her face. Luckily, her victims had seen this coming from about 50 yards back and were already stood up on the pedals and taking evasive action. She missed us (or, more correctly, we missed her), though I doubt she actually knows that.
Another good one was being in a taxi that was the third in line abreast overtaking around a blind bend - so far over on to the wrong side of the road that we we weren't even on the road any more but the sand and dirt that runs alongside it. The road that has the heaviest truck and bus traffic in the whole of Cambodia. In the busiest part of the day. Cambodians call them the "Killing Taxis." It's not hard to see why.
First prize, though, for considerate and sensible driving usually goes to the Toyota Land Cruiser (and its Lexus cousin) - the vehicle of choice for corrupt elites in the developing world. More on this one later!
Perry's personal favourite: a woman who just kept on going when coming out of a side road (absolutely standard, and looking first - or even at any point - is certainly not compulsory) and, when realising she was about to hit the two cyclists right in front of her (Perry and Adam), rather than putting her foot on the brake or doing anything with the steering wheel, put her hands over her face. Luckily, her victims had seen this coming from about 50 yards back and were already stood up on the pedals and taking evasive action. She missed us (or, more correctly, we missed her), though I doubt she actually knows that.
Another good one was being in a taxi that was the third in line abreast overtaking around a blind bend - so far over on to the wrong side of the road that we we weren't even on the road any more but the sand and dirt that runs alongside it. The road that has the heaviest truck and bus traffic in the whole of Cambodia. In the busiest part of the day. Cambodians call them the "Killing Taxis." It's not hard to see why.
First prize, though, for considerate and sensible driving usually goes to the Toyota Land Cruiser (and its Lexus cousin) - the vehicle of choice for corrupt elites in the developing world. More on this one later!
Health and Nutrition
You can get very fed up of eating rice. Very, very fed up. On the other hand, there is just about nothing that was once alive that you can't eat. Even if you would really, really rather not.
"Get your bugs here! Lovely fresh bugs! Pick'n'mix our speciality!"
"Four-inch grasshopper madam? Certainly. How about a nice fresh spider for afters? Or would you prefer to pick your own?"
No apologies for repeating the picture above; we think you should have every opportunity to study it closely. Apparently, the leg meat is particularly good.
Eating is a two-way thing, though. Some of the animals here love to share your meals and adore your company (and blood, and flesh). You're never alone while they're around. It helps that the conditions inside you (warm, wet) are pretty much the same as the conditions outside you around here, so the little sods don't have to do anything clever to avoid being killed off by the cold. And, to add insult to injury, you also get worse colds in the heat than you do in the cold.
And now the VSO Premiership disease scores for 2008 - 2010:
Malaria 2, Dengue Fever 8
Typhoid 5, Typhus 1
Cholera 1, Japanese Encephalitis 0
Salmonella 2, Giardia 10 (at least - and that's just in Phnom Penh)
The high-scoring local derby game between Other Gastric Ailments and Other Parasites is still playing, although Perry has just scored a late own goal with worms in his foot. Which helped him to reach an all-time personal best of 11 pills, 7 ointment applications and 8 drops per day:
4 pills and 5 applications for the worms.
8 drops for fungus in the ear.
5 pills and 2 applications for doing his back in - sitting at his desk, of course! (plus physio, although not every day, so it doesn't count towards the total).
1 pill for blood pressure and one mineral supplement just for luck, although this was dissolved in water to add a nice bit of variety (and to reduce the rattling as he rode to work).
On the other hand, we now know what mangoes are supposed to taste like. Until we came here, we had no idea.
Other fruit is just as delicious, even if we still don't know what it actually is a lot of the time.
Mostly delicious, that is. There are one or two things that instantly suck every drop of moisture out of your entire head, but the food around here is live and learn. Provided you get past the first step of the process, of course. And remember, just because a seagull wouldn't eat it doesn't mean that you can't.
Culture
Another mango? Do you think they just grow on trees?
Other fruit is just as delicious, even if we still don't know what it actually is a lot of the time.
Mostly delicious, that is. There are one or two things that instantly suck every drop of moisture out of your entire head, but the food around here is live and learn. Provided you get past the first step of the process, of course. And remember, just because a seagull wouldn't eat it doesn't mean that you can't.
Musical progress goes backwards. Witness the hideous arrival of Camborap. It wouldn't be so bad if they turned it down from the approximate 200 decibels (Concorde taking off was 119 and an earthquake is up to 140. Apparently, a moon rocket launch is 205, so that feels about right). It would then just be ambocrap (think I might have to copyright that word). It can make you almost nostalgic for Cambopop and karaoke. Almost.
On the other hand, traditional Khmer music is rather lovely and makes a perfect match to the smiles you encounter from the ordinary folk all around you. And when it's matched with other traditional art forms, it can be quite magical.
So, we'll miss the beautiful things but won't miss the LCD cr*p. What does that show? That while culture is often unique, bad taste is probably universal.
Politics and the Political Classes
Parasites are apparently endemic in Cambodia. Oops - silly me - that should of course have been under the health section.
In politics as in health, partnerships can be mutually beneficial. If China builds you a road, it's because they want what's at the end of it. If they're willing to pay for it, the appropriate individuals in the Cambodian government are happy to sell it. If it's not worth any money (like, for example, Uighur asylum seekers), then they'll give it for free. Isn't that generous? Of course it's not tied to the $1.2 billion grant that was signed off two days later! We're sure the politicians will use all that money wisely. Based on claims made by a number of sources (including the US Ambassador, and good for her for saying it out loud), it should nicely cover the misappropriation rate for just over two whole years.
A new road through the forest gives you that ideal opportunity to cut down the last of those pesky (but valuable) trees, with the excuse of creating plantations. Unfortunately, though, no-one involved has apparently ever heard of soil erosion. But never mind, at least it's stopped us from having to worry about the fate of the few remaining tigers.
A 'democratically' elected (see the next paragraph), free market-oriented, Communist-based, dictatorially-led, control-obsessed single ruling party in an autocratic, hereditary, constitutional monarchy with a culture of hierarchy and subservience sounds like it might be a little lacking in clarity of strategic thinking (amongst other things). It does, however, beat some of its predecessors (even if it actually includes quite a few of them). Away with the Khmer Rouge, in with the Khmer Riche: from genocide to kleptocracy in a single career. They say that very few people on Earth deserve the government they've got. Some don't deserve it more than others, though.
And they haven't deserved it for quite a long time, too. Let's go through the cv: defect from the Khmer Rouge and get installed by the Vietnamese after their invasion. Stay until the UN comes in and then cling on through the transition. Hold elections because the constitution drafted by the UN requires you to. Lose the first election but refuse to give up power and force the UN to agree to having 2 Prime Ministers. Stage a military-backed coup d'état to get rid of the other Prime Minister. Use violence to intimidate your opponents at the next election (hand grenades thrown into opposition rallies are quite good for this). Just before the latest election, build lots of roads (with no maintenance), schools (with no books or teachers) and clinics (with no doctors or medicine) for villagers with votes, after completely ignoring them for years. Make sure all these nice new things are named after you, in case they forget who to thank.
Call it "development" and claim responsibility for anything good that happens, whilst spending most of your time undermining the organisations that dare to point out the emperor's rather bare bottom and have the gall to try to recommend a good tailor. 30 years since the Khmer Rouge fell. 20 years since the Vietnamese left. 12 years since the civil war ended. And, according to the UN, the gap between rich and poor here is the highest there has ever been for a country at this stage of development. It's progress, Jim, but not exactly as we know it.
Oh, and the latest initiative is to get rich businesses (oddly enough, mostly run by politicians from the ruling party, but I'm sure that's only a coincidence) to pay for the army. Directly, to the local commanders. Of course it won't lead to private armies, the Prime Minister says so! Although it's a little odd that an ex-Khmer Rouge battalion is now reported to be guarding some 'economic land concession' owned by a CPP senator against the protests of the local people who claim that the land has been stolen from them and that they were forcibly expelled from it. Although, in this case, apparently by the police, so that's a relief. However, according to a government spokesman, none of this is the case and it's all the fault of climate change.
There are lies, damned lies, statistics, and... For example, according to Cambodian government statistics, record numbers of children recently completed their primary education. In fact, a rather higher percentage than actually started it if you actually check any of the previous statistics. And if you ignore any of the drop-outs before you reach the final year. If you only count those who actually register for the final year against those who are still registered at the end of it, rather than worrying about difficult things like how many children there actually are, though, you can finally achieve one of the key education targets. Even if it means not worrying about how you went from less than 40% to more than 80% overnight. Just make sure that you claim credit for it.
Bringing a whole new level to the old Alice Cooper hit 'School's Out.'
Also, a dramatic drop in the reported disability rate is trumpeted as a huge stride forward. There can only be a couple of reasons for this: either the latest statistics are wrong (which might just be the case according to just about everyone working in the sector), or a huge number of people with disabilities have got better over the last 5 years (legs have grown back, sight returned, that sort of thing). If it's the latter, then the government should certainly claim credit for it.
In the meantime, prepare to dam the river that is already under severe stress but that still provides the source of over 80% of the protein in your (often inadequate) diet. But then, who can turn down 5 billion of Chinese investment? Quick - find some more Uighurs!
The water level of the Mekong has recently been at a 50-year low. Just the time to reduce it even more.
And that's progress for you; at least, according to the interminable speeches of some politicians about how well the country is developing under the brilliant/inspired/wise/courageous/magnificent (delete as applicable, you'll have plenty of opportunity to use the others later in the speech) leadership of El Magnifico (or the man behind the screen, as some of us prefer to think of him).
So, we've come up with the three principles of politics:
1. The ability of politicians to think is generally inversely proportional to their desire to speak.
2. The length of politicians' speeches is generally inversely proportional to their accuracy and relevance.
3. The accuracy and relevance of politicians' speeches is generally directly proportional to their service to the populace.
Which all leads to the conclusion that Churchill was wrong: democracy isn't the worst possible form of government apart from all the rest. It just depends on how you do it. But let's celebrate that in song!
Busy Doing Government
With apologies to the original song “Busy Doing Nothing” (words, Johnny Burke, music, James Van Heusen) sung by Bing Crosby, William Bendix, and Cedric Hardwicke in the film, "A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court," 1949.
We're busy doing nothing, working the whole day through,
Trying to find lots of things not to do.
We're busy going nowhere. Isn't it just a crime?
We'd like to be unhappy but we never do have the time.
We have to count the money, to see that it doesn't stop,
Then buy another Lexus, so they all know who's on top.
Better keep the Chinese cheerful and give them the Uighur bunch.
Hustle, bustle, and only three hours for lunch.
We're busy doing nothing, working the whole day through,
Trying to find lots of things not to do.
We're busy taking money. Surely that's not a crime?
We'd like to serve the country but we never do have the time.
We have to sell the land off to anyone who will pay.
And then inspect the army, so they'll all be bright and gay.
We must rehearse the Party, to see that they sing in key.
Waffle, waffle, and never a moment free.
We're busy doing nothing, working the whole day through,
Trying to find lots of things not to do.
We're busy cutting trees down, even though it's a crime.
We'd like to help the people but we never do have the time.
We'll have no opposition, we'll hear no dissenting call.
And we'll ignore the UN, we'll say they know bugger all.
As for our mighty leader, well he always knows the best.
Grovel, grovel, we never have time to rest.
We're busy doing nothing, working the whole day through,
Trying to find lots of things not to do.
We've such a hectic schedule. Isn't it just a crime?
We'd like do our job but we never do have the time.
Perhaps strange women lying in ponds and distributing swords isn't such a bad system of government after all...
Cambodia has no shortage of lakes. However, they do not appear to contain any watery bints (or Ladies, if you prefer) but rather a selection of things that bite, sting and get under your skin. Oh - and fish, apparently, according to Perry.
Transport
What a poor country needs is luxury cars. Lots of them, so that the hoi polloi can see what they could be aspiring to, instead of just expiring from disease, malnutrition and neglect. The most suitable ones are Cadillacs, Lexuses and Hummers, although the odd Audi TT or Porsche will also come in handy around town and a new Mercedes always speaks volumes about you; after all, Pol Pot had one. But it's a bloody poor show when you spend more than 2 years in a country where the average income is somewhat less than $2 per day and you only see one Rolls Royce and 3 Bentleys (and only 1 of them a convertible!). About time these people got a proper grip of all that aid money and spent more of it on obscenely ostentatious BRITISH luxury goods! Although, to be fair, we have recently started seeing increasing numbers of Range Rovers (top-of-the-range rovers, of course).
The Minister, a true man of the people, travels home in his limo after completing his "hectic schedule" (always referred to in the introgrovel to any ministerial appearance as the thing he has had to take time out from).
Meanwhile, ordinary country folk make their way to and from the fields in comfort thanks to the riches made available to all by the beneficence of the government.
People
It's bizarre how a country can appear to be populated by two entirely different species. Apart from the political class (and hasn't Cambodia been served well by them over the decades?), the people here are kind, cheerful (most of the time) and often highly dedicated. They're sometimes a bit lacking in the tools to make them as effective as they could be, but that's not very surprising. They're certainly lacking in the opportunity to make real improvements to their country.
The general situation is perhaps best summed up by a civil servant, who shall remain nameless: "we entered the government service because we thought that our generation could make real changes to Cambodia. But we can do nothing because of those above us."
That's not quite true: they do make a difference by their efforts. Bit by bit, things are improving for many, if not all, of the people of Cambodia. Both those in the local NGOs and those at the working level in many (although certainly not all) government departments are doing just about everything they can, and they are achieving results for the people they care about. But we know they despair when they think how much could have been achieved for the people of this country over all those years and with all that money if it hadn't been diverted by a few people whose honesty is often matched only by their competence.
In the meantime, a mid-ranking civil servant, the kind of person who should be the engine-house of national development, gets paid about $75 a month by his grateful government. How people like this keep working in such an environment is almost beyond us and fills us with admiration for them. And one day those above them will finally be gone and these dedicated people will really make that difference. Our hearts will be with them.
The Bottom Line
For those of you reading this in your cozy Western democracies, just one piece of advice: hold the bastards to account. If you don't like them, vote against them - don't just give up and do nothing. Don't worry that the other guy's not much better, because at least he or she's not had the chance to get entrenched, and they might from time to time look over their shoulders to see when their turn for the heave-ho might be coming if they don't play their cards right. For those old enough, remember how much you enjoyed the look on Michael Portillo's face that night - and think how it's changed him! Give a loud hurrah when a particularly odious one goes to jail. Because no-one who wants to rule the world should ever, ever be allowed to. But, unfortunately, they don't see it that way and don't see why you should be allowed to stop them.
At least, that seems to us to be the one big lesson that we can take home from Cambodia. Because, otherwise, you could be in for a wee patch of trouble...
Now, must go off and listen to a Sarah Palin speech. Thank you and good night!
Footnote
To put it less politely, he was hit right in the b******s by a flying lizard. How many people who've not been to Cambodia can say that?
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